As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground
And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat
All persons who in shaking hand, shake hands with you like that
And all third persons who on spoiling tête-à-têtes insist
They'd none of 'em be missed -- they'd none of 'em be missed!
He's got them on the list -- he's got them on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed -- they'll none of 'em be missed!
There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his ilk,
And the piano organist -- I've got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed -- they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and ev'ry country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And "who doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try";
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist
I don't think she'd be missed -- I'm sure she'd not be missed!
He's got her on the list -- he's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed -- I'm sure she'll not be missed!
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The Judicial humorist -- I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life
They'd none of 'em be missed -- they'd none of 'em be missed!
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as What d'ye call him -- Thing-a-ma-bob, and likewise -- well, never mind,
And 'St -- 'St -- 'St -- and What's-his-name, and also -- well, you-know-who
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter who you put upon the list,
For they'd none of them be missed -- they'd none of them be missed!
You may put them on the list -- you may put them on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed -- they'll none of 'em be missed!
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